


Day 3: Walk Away

by Tsukuyomi_chan



Series: Buddyfight 30 Days [3]
Category: Future Card Buddyfight
Genre: Gen, Post Season 1, Tasuku angst, someone give this child happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 11:48:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3528287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsukuyomi_chan/pseuds/Tsukuyomi_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Looking up, you can see the blue skies, and below, the great lands. There is nothing to care about. Just fly forward with your wings.  (Tasuku has trouble readjusting to normal life so Jack takes him on a picnic).  Post-First Arc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day 3: Walk Away

**Author's Note:**

> Summary taken from the flavor text of the card Dragonic Trust (go look at it and cry). This wasn't supposed to happen. Tasuku wasn't supposed to suffer.

_In his dreams, he falls._

_It doesn’t really matter where he falls from, or who pushed him, or where he’s falling to, but he’s just falling. It’s terrifying and he’s alone. Sometimes he feels the Purgatory Knight’s armor on him again, and it drags him down makes it impossible to struggle. He suffocates inside what was supposed to protect him._

_(Sometimes he’s that tiny kid again reeling from the after effects of The Disaster and he’s so tiny and helpless that he falls easily and it’s somehow even scarier than the Purgatory Knight, because he can hear his parents screaming again and that’s a sound he hasn’t heard in years and something he definitely doesn’t want to hear again)_

_He falls and there’s no bottom, there’s just that constant feeling of how he’s been abandoned and how there’s nothing he can do and he’s powerless and it’s all his fault because he made that stupid mistake that everyone’s had to suffer, and then he thinks that he probably deserves to fall after all he’s done, since he acted like a stupid little kid when he needed to be an adult._

_He almost wishes he could just hit the bottom and die._

Tasuku snaps awake, gripping his blanket hard as he breathes heavily. Jack’s watching him from the doorway of his bedroom.

“Did you have another nightmare?”  Jack asks.

“I don’t get nightmares.”  Tasuku mutters, and Jack just watches.  After all, nightmares are something only kids get.

* * *

Tasuku handed out a thousand apologies that day.  One hundred of them are for Gao and his friends.  One hundred are for Takihara and Stella and Commander I back at the Buddy Police.  One hundred are for everyone in the city who had to witness such a phase of him.  One hundred are for the now somewhat disbanded Disaster, out of courtesy and embarrassment more than anything.

And the rest are all for Jack.  

It didn’t feel like enough. He couldn’t just do something so terrible and then go back to regular life like this, where no one held a grudge or was mad at him.  Gao and his friends were delighted when Tasuku decided to try and make amends to them. Takihara and Stella and Commander I immediately let him rejoin the Buddy Police, no questions asked.  They didn’t send him off on any tough missions, and told him to take it easy for a while, to get back into his life again.  A few days later, he apologized for taking an entire day off just to play Buddyfight with Gao and the others, but they seem pleased when he describes what happened instead of upset.

“They’re just happy you’re spending some of your time like any other kid your age.”  Jack tells him when they’re alone.

“Yeah, but…” It feels wrong.

(He didn’t deserve it)

Gao invites him to another party with his friends, and Tasuku agrees to go because otherwise he’d just be doing nothing all day, and something’s better than nothing.  Jack seems worried, and Tasuku reassures him that all of Gao’s friends are good people, there’s nothing to worry about.

In the middle of him walking to Gao’s house does he realize that Jack was concerned not because of the people he’s going to meet, but the way he acts around other people now.

The party’s fun, and Tasuku feels just fine until he sees a shrine next to Gao’s dinner table and when he asks, Gao answers that it’s his dead brother Youta.  There’s a deafening static in his head as it dawns on him that had things gone differently a few weeks ago, Gao would have ended up just like that (a tiny shrine and a few fragile memories), and everything goes sour and Tasuku asks to be excused from the takoyaki all of Gao’s friends were eating. It’s not as if he doesn’t like Gao’s friends, they’re all nice and good kids, but maybe that’s why he feels out of place amongst them.  He, who tried (and still somewhat longs) to become an adult, hanging out with kids his own age like nothing was wrong with the world at all.  The thought crashes into him and he nearly chokes on a takoyaki piece and has to go outside to calm himself down.

There’s still the sound of happy yelling and cheering from inside Gao’s house as Tasuku sits on the front porch, taking deep breaths to slow his heart down from the deafening rhythm it plays.  The sky is darkening on the horizon, and the cold night air brushes over him as he slowly regains his composure.  He shivers, seeing his breath in the air and feeling goosebumps on his arm through his usual Buddy Police uniform.  Jack had warned him to take a jacket with him today too.

“Tasuku-senpai?”  Gao says, the light from inside the doorway shining on him as the boy walks outside and settles down beside him.  The smell of Gao’s grandmother’s takoyaki still manages to waft through the open door, and its warm and comforting and it smells like home but Tasuku’s never really been sure of home so the smell puts him on edge and he can’t relax.  “Are you alright?”

“Gao-kun…” And Tasuku musters up a smile for the boy.  It’s the least he can do after all he’s done.  “I’m fine.  I wanted to see the sunset, but I guess I missed it.”

Gao frowns even still. “I see.”  He says, looking upwards at the dark sky, with a few clouds still visible.  “If you wait, the stars will come out.”  The clouds are still visible, but it is seven at night and approaching winter, and Tasuku’s sure that the sky will soon be filled with those sparkling lights.

(Wasn’t he once a sparkling light for the city?  All stars eventually burn out, after all.)

“Sorry I called you out today.  You must be busy with Buddy Police work again…” Gao says.

“No, it’s fine.  I have the day off, so your offer was perfectly timed.”  He doesn’t have that much work recently.  The city’s been peaceful after the chaos of the Gaen Cup, and Takihara’s been insisting on taking care of everything.  He misses the work.  The only missions he’s gotten are all simple and don’t even need a buddy skill or Jack’s support to complete.  

(He’s somewhat thankful for that.  A part of him is terrified of the idea of flying, where he could all too easily fall to his doom again)

He watches the wind blow the grass in Gao’s yard gently.  It’s calm and peaceful but the wind will surely change and grow harsh eventually and the thought makes Tasuku finally realize his throat is dry and he’s shivering not from the cold and he’s still hungry, despite having no appetite for anything.

“Tasuku-senpai, why don’t we go back inside?”  Gao suggests. “It’s getting cold, plus there’s still takoyaki to eat and buddyfights to have and games to play!”

“You can head back inside. It would be bad if you caught a cold.” Tasuku says.  “I’ll stay out here for a little bit longer.”  He doesn’t mention how he’ll leave after the little bit longer.

“It’d be bad if you caught a cold too, senpai.”  Gao says. “I have a jacket, but all you have is your police uniform.”

“This is pretty warm.” It’s not a lie; it’s comfortable and he wears it often so it’s warm from his own body temperature.  It’s just not designed for specifically cold weather.

“Tasuku-senpai,” Gao says, and there’s something about his tone that makes Tasuku look up from the ground at the boy’s concerned expression.  “Do you, not want to be here?”

(Did he want to be anywhere anymore?)

Tasuku blinks, then scrambles to try and comfort the boy.  “No!  It’s not that at all!  Hanging out with your friends is really fun!  It’s just…”

It’s just, they’re  _Gao’s_ friends.  Not his.

(What did he ever do to deserve friends anyway)

Gao shifts in his spot, watching the sky and waiting for the stars to show themselves.  “Are you having trouble at work again?  Is it someone at your school?  We don’t go to the same schools, but if there’s something I can do I promise I’ll do everything in my power─”

“Really, it’s fine, Gao-kun.”  Tasuku replies.  “Everything’s fine.”  It sounds false even to him.  He refuses to look at Gao’s expression.

Something, a human hand, touches his shoulder and that suffocating feeling is stronger than ever now because someone is too close and if they’re too close they’ll just scar him again, just like The Disaster did, just like Kyoya did, just like the world did, and he flinches away and slams the hand away from him with his arm.  It doesn’t occur to him that he’s shaking and cowering until a pair of warm hands gently moves his own hands away from his head and hold them in his lap.  The motion makes him open his eyes and he sees Gao gazing up at him from where he was crouched on the grass.

“Do you trust me?” Gao asks, and Tasuku naturally replies with the only thing he can think of.

“Of course.”

Gao shakes his head. “Do you really?”  He says.  “Do you trust me, right here, right now?”

And Tasuku notices his hands are still shaking and his heart won’t calm down.  There’s the guilt and fear in his mind that won’t leave him alone, whispering to him his past and future miseries.  That what if Gao ends up just like the others, abandoning him too. But why wouldn’t Gao abandon him? He had every reason to be abandoned.

“Do you trust anyone now? Do you still think you have to grow up and become an adult this instant to be worth anything?”

Of course.  Every morning, he wakes up and tells himself to be an adult for the day about anything that happens.  Throughout the day, he works in as mature a fashion as every other adult at the office.  He commences in adult actions around both adults and kids alike, and as a result, he can help others.  He’s able to do something with his own power while acting like an adult.

“Do you still think you have to be alone to grow up, to reach your justice?”

There are still corrupt adults out there.  He refuses to become like any of them.  He doesn’t want to be fooled again; he won’t do anyone’s dirty work or corrupt business for them ever again.  That had happened because he was being a kid and trusted another with his hopes. Trust would get you manipulated.  Trust would get you hurt.  Trust was childish.

He didn’t want to be childish.

He remembers when he was about to come back to society as Ryuuenji Tasuku again, the fear he had felt that they’d reject him and he’d be alone again.  But they, everyone, had accepted and welcomed him back with open arms. And it was a good feeling, but it felt hollow.  He still felt hollow.  He realizes it’s the guilt, still haunting him every second of the day, whether he’s awake or in his dreams.  He hasn’t received any sort of punishment for his actions.  Everyone’s brushed it off and allowed him to continue without any repercussions.  

And it continues to echo in his head even now.  Everyone’s being nice to him.  Everyone’s just waiting for him to put his guard down again, and then Tasuku will be played around with like a toy for others again.

“Are you afraid of falling?”

(He’ll fall)

“I won’t─” Tasuku begins, but stops when he sees the concern and hurt in Gao’s eyes.  “Not again… I can’t…”

He’s shaking and he can’t stop.  It’s unbelievably cold and he doesn’t register that Gao’s still in front of him and it feels like he’s in that dark place again, watching everything he tried so hard to achieve fall apart in just a few seconds, again, and again, and again

_(his parents are screaming, an unmistakable sound of death as everything he’s known is ripped away)_

And again

_(the devastation in Takihara and Stella and mostly himself as he’s forced to leave the Buddy Police)_

And again

_(Jack’s desperate cry still haunts him every night and day when he isn’t careful)_

And again

_(Kyoya smiles and waves goodbye and leaves him to fall with nothing to catch him)_

And again.

“I’m sorry.” He says, standing up and shaking Gao’s hands off his.  “I need to go home.”  He runs off before giving Gao a chance to respond or chase after him.

Once again the world is trying to crush him apart.

* * *

Tasuku wakes up the next day in his bed screaming, gripping his blanket so hard his knuckles are white. Jack appears out of his card next to him.  He yawns, not meeting Jack’s eyes as he tries to calm himself down.  “I’m fine.”  He says. “It’s nothing serious, don’t worry about it.”

“Let’s go on a picnic.”  Jack says.

* * *

They walk to the edge of Choutokyo, and up the mountain slowly, bit by bit.  The farther they are from the city, the easier Tasuku can breathe. Jack insists on carrying the picnic basket, which, when Tasuku asks about it later, was made by Gao’s grandma and father’s combined efforts.  The picnic was also Gao’s idea.

Tasuku appreciates the idea, but it still makes him uncomfortable.

He focuses on climbing the mountain and not thinking about anything else.  The morning air is cool and calm, and fallen leaves crunch under his feet softly. The grass is a pretty shade of green, Tasuku notes.  It matches Jack’s skin, and he considers trying to make something about it for Jack another time.  He’s never had time to notice this before, so busy with flying through the sky for Buddy Police business usually.

It feels so different, looking at the sky and clouds from below instead of his usual place flying beside them.  But the idea of flying to him right now is…

_“Are you afraid of falling?”_

“If you fall, I’ll catch you.”  Jack says. His buddy really does know him too well. Tasuku chuckles softly.  “We’re here.”

They brush aside the last few branches, and Tasuku stares at the scenery.  They’re at the top of a mountain, tall enough to see other mountains’ silhouette on the horizon as the sun rises slowly, basking the sky in warm light.  Below, lights flicker on all throughout the city, twinkling like the stars last night. He’s never paid attention to the scenery before.  Tasuku can feel the warmth from the sun, as the shadows on the mountain slowly crawl backwards and out of sight.

“It’s beautiful.” He says, not finding any other words to describe it.

Jack puts the basket down beside him and they both begin to eat.  There’s rice and teriyaki chicken and salad and of course, takoyaki packed in a container.  They take their time, eating in peaceful silence.  The sun warms up the grass he sits on, enveloping the sky in a kaleidoscope of colors.  The entire city really does look different from an angle like this.

Tasuku smiles a bit as he looks closer at the city.  “I can see the Buddy Police tower from here.”  He says, pointing at it in the distance for Jack.  “Oh, and there’s Gao-kun’s house!”  If he squints, he can also see Aibo Academy.  

“Tasuku,” Jack says, “do you want to go back?”

“To the city?”

Jack shakes his head. “To before The Disaster.  To when you had a real family, and you didn’t have to go through all these hardships.”

“No way!”  Tasuku shouts.  He realizes what he’s just done, then lowers his voice and looks down sheepishly.  “S-Sorry.” He mumbles.  “I just…”

_“Don’t treat me like a kid!  Kids are powerless.  If I stayed a kid, I wouldn’t be able to do anything.  I couldn’t save anyone, not even my precious family!  That’s why I became an adult!”  He spat out, at Gao, at Zanya, at Noboru, at the world.  On that stage, he had revealed to the world that he hated every speck of it and the adults who created the pollution that covered it now._

“I just…”

It was terrifying, thinking about what could have happened in his life if he had stayed a powerless kid.

“Besides, you’re all the family I need!”  Tasuku says. That, at least, he’s confident in.

“Even if that’s the case, I can’t be the only one in your life.  You need other people.”  Jack says. “You still haven’t been able to fully adjust back to your life.  It would be best if─”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!”  Tasuku says, practically shouts, so that he can convince Jack (so that he can convince himself) that he’ll be fine soon, that there’s nothing to worry about.  

Jack sighs.  “You’re the one that’s acting weird, not everyone else. You’re still pushing yourself away from all of us.  There’s no reason for you to; no one’s going to reject you.”

Tasuku’s hand tightens on the grass, and he accidentally pulls a few strands out as he pulls his knees in ducks his head between them so he doesn’t have to look at Jack’s expression or anything else.  “That’s exactly why it’s terrifying.”  Tasuku mumbles.  “Why aren’t any of you mad?  Why aren’t any of you getting angry at me?  I’ve done terrible things to everyone, to you!  Why aren’t you rejecting me?!”

Even now, Kyoya’s words still crawl around inside him like a parasite, continually whispering to him lies while they eat him hollow from inside out.  Lies about how he should be rejected.  Lies about how he doesn’t deserve any of this.  Lies about all every single thing he’s done and how horrible it all is.  Lies about how those words aren’t lies.

(And Tasuku believes every one of those lies even still)

“Kids are young.  Kids make mistakes.  They learn from them and realize for themselves what they are and what they would like to be.  That’s why we all forgave you.  You’re a kid too, Tasuku, no matter how much you try and reject it.”

“I…”

“You need to slow down a bit.  Take a good look around you.  Do you know that mountain?”  The question makes Tasuku look up and into the distance, to a rather small mountain with a shrine on the top where Jack was pointing.

“I don’t remember it.”

“You would have gone on a fieldtrip there a year ago for school, if it wasn’t for a Buddy Police mission that popped up last minute.”

“I can always go there with you sometime.  We can fly there soon so that I can see what I missed.”

“You said that a year ago too.  Back then your excuse was that you had too much work to do.  Now your excuse is that you just can’t get there.”

“I have your buddy skill and I’m completely capable of using it.”

“But do you want to use it? Are you capable of using it without freezing up again?”

Tasuku isn’t.  He knows the voices in his head are just waiting to make him fall through the air again.  

Jack sighs.  “I’m not always going to be around.  You should try using some of the Buddy Police’s flying equipment some time, just in case.”

“I don’t wanna.” Tasuku mumbles.  “I’m an adult, so I can protect you just fine.  We’re a family and we’ll stay together forever.”

“That’s not possible and we both know that.”

Tasuku knows.  It makes his heart pound uncomfortably hard, and it suffocates him again like inside the Purgatory Knight’s armor.  Looking back, he felt like a kid in that armor. He feels like a kid now.

“What’s wrong with being a kid?”  Jack says. “It’s the first step to being an adult. You’re living in the present.  The past is gone, there’s nothing you can do about it.  Look forwards.  You’re a strong kid.  You need to learn to accept that.”

 Tasuku raises his head to protest, and he can see the sun on its path through the sky straight ahead, illuminating Jack’s figure in warm light.

“Besides,” Jack says, “whoever said that you can’t be a kid and be strong at the same time?  You’re fine just the way you are.  You don’t have to push yourself to be the absolute perfect grown up to be able to do something for all of us.”

 “But if I don’t…” Something bad would happen again, like he had done last time.  He would mess up again if he couldn’t become mature.

“You need to accept it. Accept what you’ve done, accept who you’ve met, accept your mistakes and accept yourself.”  Jack says.  “There’s no need for you to keep clinging to those fears for the sake of you and everyone else.  Just keep flying forwards on your wings, Tasuku.  Trust in them.  There’s nothing wrong with them.”  

Of course there’s something wrong with them.  How could they not be, after what Tasuku’s done with them to hurt others.

But even if there is, they’re his wings.  They’re his and he’ll decide what he does with them and no matter how much he denies it they’ll be there as long as he lives.  He can’t go on like this and everyone knows that, and Jack’s right. So he’ll choose to change.

 Tasuku takes a deep breath.  “I trust you.” He says, and Jack smiles at him.   “And I’ll try trusting in myself too.”

The cold morning winds blow against him but he feels warm and light for once and he can still here those whispers in his head but they’re quieter now, getting drowned out by the sounds of the city and the people that Tasuku’s sworn to protect.  They’ll still be there, but he can learn to live with it. The past can’t tie him down, and it won’t ever leave him, so he decides to let it push him forwards.  He’ll try to live being himself.

(And Jack smiles at him and Tasuku feels like maybe this is what it means to grow up)

He doesn’t need to be an adult right away.  Someday. For now, he’d just continue walking away from the past step by step, alongside Jack and his friends.

“I guess, I’ll try calling Gao-kun next time I get a day off.”  Tasuku suggests, and Jack laughs.  His green buddy skill appears at his feet, and it doesn’t seem so scary anymore. Jack is right beside him, after all. They both take off into the air, and for the first time in weeks, Tasuku feels that joy of nothing holding him down.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I dunno  
> 2\. I'm sorry  
> 3\. All I wanted was for these kids to be happy why did this happen


End file.
